Dating Unchained, reborn (part 2)

Still no matches!

I'm so confused.

I'm the guy who gets paid thousands of dollars, and has been flown out to 40 cities around the world to help guys with this.

And... nothing.

What's going on?! I've been deluding myself into thinking that dating apps are a good avenue for dating, but it's NOT WORKING!

This was me a few months ago. And on top of that, 3 clients back to back told me they got NOTHING!

I began to ask myself if I'm just too invested in dating apps making sense... Was I deluding myself because it's what I built my business on?!

I go to a full-moon hapé ceremony with the leaders of the Yawanawa tribe, and - as a holder of the medicine myself (I distribute for a woman who coordinates with the tribes) I ask them to give me a strong dose.

I’m blasted out of my head and into my body, and a wave of nausea hits me. The Yawanawa don’t fuck around with their hapé, they make it STRONG, and I got a big dose too!

I stumble to a spot in a nearby patch of grass and center myself.
Why am I throwing away all the money I make, and seem unable to make any more?

I see it clearly.

Am I really providing value to the world? Or am I just going through the motions.

Deep down, I don't believe in my product. I don't feel I'm able to provide the value I ask for. I feel like a fraud.

So I dismantle my business over the next few days, taking what I've built, stripping dating apps from the messaging, and making posts about the change.

The way I was doing business didn't feel right.

All my results were based on the algorithm of dating apps… companies who just want to make money on men's desperation.

That's how I thought about it, and there's truth in that.

I explicitly offered no guarantees - but my clients still put their faith in me.

And I felt like I was selling a roll of the dice.

Some clients got results, some didn't, and that hurt me at the core.

Because I can say "no guarantees" but as a purpose-based business founder, I want to feel at the end of the day like I made the world a better place.

And for many clients, I have. But for some, I haven't.

So I worked with the rest of the clients I had on my calendar, then vowed to move on to online image photography only... dating apps I felt horrible about.
~~~~~

A month later or so, I found myself in San Marcos with a client, who'd signed up before I made the shift.

I was honest with him about my new attitude, and told him I was still his best chance, and I'd do everything in my power to help him.

He was excited, and still super on board.

Halfway through the shoot, after we took photos of him fixing up his motorcycle, and right before we took photos of him with his longboard, he interrupted me in conversation.

"Krystallos... I want to continue this conversation but I feel so distracted. I want these photos to work so badly... Is there anything we didn't do that we can do?"

Instantly it hit me... this guy was so attached to getting girls that he couldn't think about anything else.

I've been there. Heck I only recently got to a place of centeredness and worthiness without needing women to feel good about myself.

(more on this soon, after an illuminating conversation with a friend of mine… there’s real work here that us men can do to support each other in this.)

And that feeling of centeredness… I achieved it AFTER years of what most "dating coaches" would call "success."

On paper, I've proven what I needed to about my ability in the land of women, but I still felt deeply insecure (and most people felt my insecurity in my presence too.)

And I thought back to the guys who got results from my photos, and the guys who didn't get results...

I'd thought it was all due to looks.

That's a super reasonable idea... good looks = more matches.
Skinny, overweight, etc. = no matches.

I thought that was the case, and it would make sense to most people.

Which was why, when a few attractive clients in a row did not get matches I decided dating apps were broken!

If the attractive guys aren't getting matches then the dating apps are done!!!

But after my client asked his question I realized...

The difference between the guys who got matches and the guys who didn't get matches wasn't looks.

Attractive clients sometimes got nothing... overweight, skinny, awkward clients sometimes got tons!

Yes, the more attractive a guy is, the more matches - and more attractive matches - they got... but it wasn't the main factor.

Thinking back to my shoots with these guys, the more desperate they felt to me on their shoot, the less matches they got.

Regardless of their looks!

Just like in real life, attractiveness plays a part, but how you make a girl FEEL plays a MUCH bigger part.

So instead of answering my client's question, I asked him why he cares so much. He was confused... but I explained further...

And in our conversation I helped him see that his deep attachment to how women view him is hurting his chances.

Cultivating centeredness and a healthy detachment from his dating results will be better for him in many many ways.

And he left the shoot a changed man.

He texted me later, saying "The deep talk really helped my mindset!"

I realized why can't I do this for every client?!

If neediness is the core factor, what if I help guys not just from the outside in (fashion guidance, posing, photos, bio, etc.) but from the inside out too (mindset, lifestyle, self-improvement accountability.)

I could get guys more matches on dating apps, but even if the algorithm decides a specific client isn't attractive - which isn't under my control - I'd be coaching them to be confident and irresistable, and I'd be supporting them in finding women to date in person, through coaching and accountablity!

Then, I wouldn't be a fraud…

I'd be the most valuable dating profile photographer on the planet!

But there's one thing I'm forgetting, isn't there…

Why wasn't I getting matches myself?

Sure, I've been pretty needy in my dating life

(spoiler alert, many men's dating coaches are...
I have a huge bone to pick with most advice men get around women, and I will certainly go into that in future posts)

but I haven't been needy recently...

It's actually more simple than it seems.

I recreated my account several times to experiment with different photos and simply put, the apps flagged my account.

I know how to get around this, but I made a mistake somewhere.

Shadow-banning almost always isn’t the reason guys don't get matches... it's a cop out many guys use for bad photos, or needy energy women are repelled by.

And I knew this so I hated using "shadowbanned" as an excuse, but there were key signs that made it obvious - namely no "newbie boost" - the extra matches a new account gets in the first 24 hours.

Every account gets that - unless the app thinks you're trying to game the system by making a second account.

Mystery solved.

Lesson learned.

New path unveiled.

I'm so excited to continue to share what Dating Unchained will bring to the world.

The value I’ll bring to mens’ lives with my new outside-in AND inside-out approach… I’m fired up!

And to use my years of experimenting in the dating world to make dating clearer for men, and much more fun…

Through the fire of dating from a deeply uncentered and outcome-attached place, I’ve achieved a level of groundedness, independent from results, that most men can’t even conceive of.

Dating advice for most men is a game of trying to seem less needy than they really are, roping women in, and when she’s finally as invested as he is, dropping the charade.

This is fucking exhausting, and men aren’t given many options…

It’s either dating coaches that promote emotional intelligence and centeredness - but at the same time preach that you:

• need to cater to her needs

• make her feel safe

• pay for dates

• be a gentleman

• don't try to have sex too quickly, focus on emotional connection instead

and eventually your needs will be met!

(none of those things are harmful except for the last one - I do tons of “gentlemanly” things on dates - but the whole framing of it puts mens’ needs and desires last)

This kind of dating advice is steeped in sexual shame (which for women looks like being called a slut but for men looks like being called a creep.)

Or it’s:

• put your needs first

• go for what you want

• if she doesn't want what you want, use these techniques to get her to want what you want

And those second type of “gurus” will give lip service to the importance of being authentic and not performing, but then will go right ahead and tell you how to perform in order to get women.

I honestly think it’s not on purpose… I'm convinced they believe their own messaging.

The truth is very simple…

• any and every true desire is sacred.

• don’t feel obligated to go for a relationship if you want casual sex.

• don’t feel obligated to go for casual sex if you want a relationship.

• put yourself out there vulnerably (actually go for it, risking rejection)

• embrace rejection as the gift that it is instead of the horrible monster you must avoid at all costs

• and repeat

And eventually you get what you want.

If you don’t? Work on yourself until you do.

There’s lots more nuance, and I’ll share that in future posts.

More to come my friends.
~~~~~
I used no AI to write or edit this post

Photo of me in action 😉 The OG friend I went out and took photos with when I first got my camera. Still a good friend of mine today (even though he abandoned me and moved to Boston 😭)