Friendzone-light. Drink Responsibly

I hate the advice some guys give other guys...

Specifically: “Just be friends first.”

A lot of women say they like to be friends first before dating.

And sometimes they mean it, but not always for the reasons guys think.

Many women are nervous to let men down.

Sometimes because they don’t want to hurt your feelings...

Sometimes because some asshole in their past didn’t take rejection well…

And sometimes because they actually mean it.

So when she says “I just like to be friends first,” it can mean either:

1 - “I don’t feel that way about you right now but maybe when I get to know you more I will,” or

2 - "I don't feel that way about you but I'm nervous about rejecting you," or

2 - “When I have been friends first, my relationships turned out better, so that’s my preferred path."

And from my own experience (and from lots of my friends' relationships,) being friends first can absolutely make a relationship more intimate, stable, and fulfilling.

But...

And this is a HUGE but…

Don’t you EVER force a friendship with someone you actually want to date.

You can do it, sure but it’s on you if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped.

On a recent date, we came up with this analogy that I love.

Imagine the relationship you want as a destination… an actual physical place.

That destination includes all the things that define your kind of connection:

•How often you see each other

•What kind of adventures you take

•How much growth or comfort you bring to each other’s lives

•How often you have sex… 5 times a day, three times a week, whatever

•Whether you’re monogamous, monogamish, open, poly, etc.

That’s a place you want to go.

And you want to go there with someone who also wants to go there… someone who’s fun to walk with on the way.

Now imagine a friendship.

That’s a different place in a different direction.

When you think of a solid friendship, what do you picture?

Maybe game nights, deep talks, helping each other move, movie nights, laughter.

There’s overlap with romance, sure, but it’s not the same journey.

So, when you ask a woman out, you’re essentially saying,

“Hey, I like what I see so far, and I’d like to walk that way [points toward the romantic destination.] Maybe we’ll get there and enjoy it, maybe we’ll part ways before then, but I want to see how far we go. What about you?”

If she says, “Yeah! Let’s go!” awesome. Start walking together.

And maybe you realize along the way that she’s not your ideal travel buddy… maybe she rushes ahead, or the chemistry’s off, or you change your mind, or she changes her mind.

That’s all part of it.

But if she says, “Hmm… maybe later, but I want to go this way first,” and points toward Friendship Land… then you need to pause.

If you’d GENUINELY be happy walking toward that destination - friendship - then by all means, go for it!

But don’t agree to a trip you’re not actually excited about.

If your dream is to go to Universal’s Wizarding World of Adventure (where all the Harry Potter stuff is), and your travel buddy says:

“Hmm… maybe, but I want go to Disneyland first,”

Don’t you DARE say yes unless you’d actually be happy going to Disneyland.

Because what happens when you secretly hope she’ll change her mind mid-trip?

You’ll end up impatient, conditional, and quietly resentful the whole way.

That’s what happens when guys agree to “be friends first” with someone they’re into… hoping it’ll turn romantic later.

You’re saying yes to a trip you don’t want to be on.

"I like to be friends first" sounds different than "let's just be friends" and it often IS different... but the best response is the same.

One of my closest friends today (who reads my posts… hiiii you know who you are hehe) is actually someone I dated briefly.

We realized after a few dates on that our “relationship destinations” didn’t match.

I wanted to go one way, she wanted to go another.

But we both genuinely loved the idea of close friendship, so we chose that path intentionally.

And I feel deeply fulfilled, because I’m not sitting there waiting for it to become something else.

I'm happy with how it is between us right now.

Yes, being friends first can lead to incredible relationships.

But that happens when it’s accidental… when two people naturally become friends and then LATER realize they want more.

Not when one person secretly hopes friendship will turn into dating.

If you don’t want to go to Disneyland, don’t go there hoping your friend will suddenly decide to head to Harry Potter World instead.

You’ll just end up frustrated, disappointed, and blaming her for taking you EXACTLY WHERE SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO GO.

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P.S. re: friendzoning… “I like being friends first” is a little different than “let’s just be friends,” but the best response to both is the same.

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AI Disclosure - I used AI to help me tighten up the analogy and clean up my verbiage.